Its been a heck of a few days, or weeks….months, really. I keep thinking that I will have time to write poignant posts, and talk about the personal growth I’d presumably be experiencing during such a time of leisure. Mostly, I’m running from one task to the next and being the kind of mom that I’m not sure I ever wanted to be: Leave the house at quarter to seven to get the kid to high school, go to work with the younger one, walk her to her school, go back to work, work like a maniac for 10 hours, pick up the younger one from daycare, pick up the teen from tennis practice, rush home listening to the dramas of the day, get home and check on baby chicks, try to make a dinner that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about at work, watch TV for a bit or possibly try to figure out how to get X kid what they need in the way of homework help, money, items for their project (all due TOMORROW), then go to bed and try to talk to my guy who falls asleep because he’s also exhausted. Forget having regular sex, or relaxing evenings pursuing a loved past time, or taking a bath.
I do get to skip the last bit before ‘rush home’ on Tuesdays, since I get to teach belly dance that night. And the last Wednesday of the month I get to meet with a group of brilliant ladies where we all get to (re)learn what being feminine is really about.
With every day so full and exhausting, I’m finding it near impossible to make space for some things. Things like an intimate relationship with the PF, or trying to get pregnant, or having a beautiful place to live, or making something creative. I was speaking with my beautiful Fae friend, and she is even more mired in this cycle than I. Today I advised her to think about letting go of somethings. Now I’m thinking I need to do more of that as well. I’ve done some letting go, but I’m feeling like something more drastic should be done. When I was younger, it was so much easier to do that, even as a single mom. But now, tied up in the world the way I am, I feel more and more trapped. I could quit my job, but I have a responsibility to the PF for my half of the rent and utilities-not to mention food, gas, etc., the teen seems to have a constant list of “NEEDS” that must be attended to, and things like ridiculously expensive car repairs, doctor and dentist bills, keep me in this place. With the constant financial demands, it seems so difficult to see another way.
Then I argue with myself about where I want to be, and all of the obstacles in the way. Maybe the universe wants me here right now. That’s my fallback position, when movement or change gets too difficult. It feels like a cop out in so many ways, but so many things are out of my control that I’m having a terrible time finding what I CAN do, rather than just seeing what I can’t.
It’s enough to make you crazy.
I don’t have a clean wrap up for this one. I guess it’s more of a vent…..
Well, that’s all folks….I hope to be writing soon about the Peasant Project.