The new year has been a true awakening for me. I started the year with an Ayurvedic cleanse, and a renewed spiritual practice. I set goals for things that I have dreamed of, and had started to give up on. My normal pattern is to give up those things to preserve my relationships–to make things easier for my partner, or if they do not fit my partner’s wishes. I decided to give that notion up instead, and believe that I can have the things I dream of.
The most stirring (and maybe most important) thing I did this year was allow myself to want a romantic love relationship and to want to get married. That was a hard one. A lot of people my age and older believe that romance only happens at the beginning of a relationship and that it is unsustainable. I reject that. I believe that romance happens naturally when you love and respect each other, show true appreciation for the gifts your partner brings, and speak frankly about your feelings. The PF was very down on the idea of marriage at the beginning of our relationship, as his previous experiences left him feeling unloved, disrespected, and completely empty. It was a hard thing was to tell him that I wanted what he had said he did not. Terrifying actually. But I knew if I did not, I would eventually become sad, hurt, and ultimately resentful, which is not part of a romantic love relationship. This was a deal breaker, and it had to be said. And I did. And it was good.
I also allowed myself to admit that I want to have another child with a loving partner, and that I want to try to do that now, while its still possible. The PF has always been on board with having a baby. But ‘The Child’ up to now has been very upset and completely against the idea. Horrified might be a good description of her response whenever the possiblity was mentioned. My Mom said it wasn’t going to happen without outside ‘help’–we’re too old. So this year I set the goal of making it happen, naturally, and in a loving way. That was really difficult too, since there hasn’t been an overwhelming amount of support for it–even from the PF who would be as ecstatic as I if it were to occur. He’s got his own concerns and fears around it.
Sometimes I feel like a draft horse, pulling logs through the mud. I can see things that are possible. I can see them so clearly. But I have to dig through the mire of the disbelief of those around me to try to get there. Or so I thought. Now I realize that I’m not using my faith and my spirit for these things, and trusting the Universe to work its magic.
Part of my Ayurvedic Health Care is nutritional, part of it is stress reduction and exercise, and part of it addresses my spiritual needs. So, with the help of my Ayurvedic Practitioner, Rev. Ryan Strong @ the California College of Ayurveda, I have renewed my spiritual practice and done more for my overall health than I ever have. I’ve learned that all I really need to do is set my intentions. In fact, many of the old school Ayurvedic spiritual practices harken back to my days as a pagan. I found that setting an alter, daily prayer, and daily reminder of my goals really helps me to take the pressure off of trying to MAKE things happen, rather then asking for them, then ALLOWING them to happen.
I’m on my way to an authentic life. Being true to what I want and following my dreams and purpose.