I was inspired this morning by my two favorite blogs: Believing What You Think. Spirituality and Disaster « Bedlam Farm Journal, and ENCHANTED ELIXIR. I keep feeling like I don’t have time to write, and be expressive. I remember now that I have to make the time. (The chickens are yelling at me–better let them out, THEN come back and finish). One of the setbacks to writing for me is that I want to re-read, edit, correct spelling, etc. I’ve decided to minimize that, and see what happens if I just let myself write.
I’m in a new phase of my life. I’ve been in limbo for a couple of years, or at least what has felt like limbo, and I’m not quite out of it yet. But I now see I’ve really just been preparing for this, the right now, and the very soon to be. In the last three years I’ve gone from self-employed artist traveling the world to the Administrator of a small college, I’ve gone from a 7 year marriage to a fulfilling-in-every-way relationship with the PF (Pater Familia) who is a true partner. Slowly but surely my life is rearranging itself to manifest the dreams that I held for most of my adult life, but never thought I could have. Not that my life was bad before, by any means. Those who know me well, know that I have shed many skins before this. From College Student, to F-16 crew chief (mechanic), to Bellydancer, traveler, teacher, and community leader, to corporate America, to now big boss in a small town vocational college.
I’ve done many of the things I’ve always wanted to do, and some things I didn’t know I wanted to do till I dove in. But the ultimate dream was to have a place in the country, with lush gardens, a few animals, some extra kids running around, and make my living that way. Even in my early 20’s whenever I would be driving in the country, I would feel and intense longing and ache inside myself. Strong enough to produce tears on most occasions. One thing that held me in check from following my ultimate dream was fear. All along the way, I had to fight through the fear that I did not deserve what I was after, or that these things could only happen for certain people, implying I was not one of them. The most fearsome fear that I had, was that I could never have my place in the country, and furthermore that there would be someone to share it with. Most of the people in my life until now, didn’t understand that intense feeling.
The Bedlam Farm guy, Jon Katz often writes about his own struggles with fear, peoples opinions of what he should be doing. I felt really alone in my own similar struggles until I found his blog. He’s forging new territory for himself at an age when most people have resigned to whatever life they’ve ended up with. I admire that so much. He inspires me to go forward with my own dreams and plans, especially when I’m feeling too tired to do anything. I have a voice that speaks fear to me, I think we all do. The Bedlam Farm post reminded me that I don’t have to believe that voice. There is something else deeper inside me that knows the truth. If I can find and focus on the truth, things start to manifest. Just you wait and see what I’m gonna make….