Moved and Inspired–Where’s my passport?

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Tonight we saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. There is a saying in our house: The Universe doth provide. And how.

We’ve had a rough start to 2014 in our house. Some of us are letting go of things and dreams that we realize won’t happen without great cost. Some of us have awoken from our own daydreams and are saddened by the place we suddenly find ourselves in, despondent about the future and all that needs to be done. Some of us want to do things, but are terrified of the unknown outcome and become paralyzed. Some of us are feeling all of these things.

In fact this weekend looked to be another bummer of a weekend, with self-deprecation and moping. But not now. After watching not only a fun, funny, clever film, but a gorgeous piece of cinematography, I can only be inspired. Inspired to live–Right now–not in some distant time. Inspired to look around me and be in this moment. To really see the things and people around me. To notice those things that are calling to me and answer them. With my voice, with my thoughts, with my action. I’m bursting with DO right now.

If you know me, you will know that I DO quite a lot already. In fact, the PF has a terrible time getting me to do nothing, even for short periods of time. But often my doing is busy work–things that should get done–not want to get done. Even though my house is far from the glorious shrine of my mother’s pristine and tastefully decorated abode, I fret about its lack of cleanliness anyway. I therefore spend a lot of time complaining, arguing, and being frustrated about its state. What I’d actually like to spending my energy on is NOT the dishes or the house, or whatever I think people ought to be doing. Something else. Something that fills me up.

My beautiful friend and dance partner gave me a great tip today. She had me give a list of what I could do to fill myself up. Right on the spot during coffee. So I decided that I wanted to keep spending time with Falyn, we are having so much fun together right now; dance (already on the schedule); spend more time in nature, even if that means on a blanket in my yard (and by yard I mean oak forest); write more (check!); and make more creative stuff. Can do all of these!

While the list is a good place to start, seeing Walter Mitty do what he does, in the incredible places that he does it, gave me the juice to get up off the couch and do. And more poignantly, Sean O’Connor (played by the ever more handsome Sean Penn) who lives an incredible life everyday says, “Sometimes I don’t. If I like the moment, I just want to be in it.”

Which brings me back to our household turmoil. I realize just now that I am grateful for it. It has brought me a level of separation and clarity that I can’t have when we are enmeshed in each other–happy or no. Its left me open to what is. It has let me see that things shouldn’t be another way, because they aren’t. Things are just the way they are. And from here I can make choices. Wishing for a better/different future never got me anything but crazy, and I’ve spent many years on that treadmill. Being in the now is being free. Living in what is is the only freedom we have. From here, we can do anything.

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Margaret Cho’s Sensuous Woman Show Review Circa 2006

I was looking for some belly dance photos of myself, and found this review by Lella from 2006. Back when I lived in So. Cal, I had the great fortune to become friends with show biz’ baddest ass of them all, Pleasant Gehman, aka Princess Farhana. She was a belly dancer extraordinaire, and had just come out about her secret forays into Burlesque. If I thought belly dance was perfect for me, I became obsessed with burlesque even that much more. I was also fairly taken with Japanese dance and Geishas, and was living in a fantasy of all three.

Around that same time Plez brought Margaret Cho to our 2nd Annual Tribal Cafe, and I was so thrilled to meet her. She was so fun and of course hilarious, AND if I remember correctly, she had made some baklava and brought that along to share as snacks. What?! Amazing woman is all I have to say. Anyhoo, enjoy the review. It was a blast! 

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Ordinary Days–Pinky Promise

My good friend and moon sister Brenda and I were chatting on our way home from our New Moon gathering. We both have blogs (hers is http://www.tinyorb.com/) and we both find ourselves creating our own obstacles to doing what we set out with them. Tonight after talking about what it is that holds us back, we made a pinky promise to support each other in continuing with our blogs more frequently. No minimums, no deadlines, but a promise to ask each other often how things are going and supporting each other through obstacles. Here we go. Here’s to more thoughts, even more feelings, and less drama about them.

I’m feeling very hopeful and excited. Expect to hear more from me. 

:)

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Casting Off of Armor — or Casting out Poisons

Its been a crazy coupla weeks, and I haven’t slowed down to catch my breath. Partially because I knew that today I could. In fact, the next five days belong to me. I’ve been planning an Ayurvedic cleanse with my practitioner (Ryan Strong @ the California College of Ayurveda, Nevada City) for about a month now. Originally, I was to go through the process about two weeks ago, but ended up sick–AGAIN. While I was bummed at the time, because I’d set aside time to take care of myself, I couldn’t be more pleased that things worked out this way. I’m now at day Zero of the cleanse. Let me explain.

Brief description of my Pitta Ayurvedic cleanse – each cleanse different for each person and even different for the same person depending on what’s going on.

  • Eat mono-diet of Kitchari (rice and mung beans cooked together till tender with vegetables and digestive spices), in addition to taking some digestive capsules, and other herbs also in capsule form, as well as in ghee (clarified butter common in Indian cooking) – this time for 7 days. Included also is a ritual of self massage (abyanga) and meditation (yoga nidra). The diet is easily digested and works with the other herbs to clear your body of ama: physical, emotional, and spiritual gunk built up in your system.
  • The evening before (to stimulate full evacuation of any remaining junk from the body), a purgative is prescribed. I took a dose of castor oil (blech  *shudder*). While some folks will feel the effects early the next morn, I have the blessing of getting right down to business within about 1 hour. Yeee-haa!
  • Day of Rest (Day 0): You guessed it. Rest. Drink lots of fluids, maybe eat some strongly spiced rice gruel, rest, read/listen to something inspirational, fluids, rest, fluids, pee, fluids, nap, journal etc.
  • Digestion rebuild: For the next seven or more days you build your digestion back up, beginning with soupy kitchari and working your way back to solids. 

The next time I do a cleanse, I would like to commit to a daily entry on the blog, because all kinds of emotional junk comes up during a cleanse. Sometime’s its yours, sometimes your partners, but somebody’s junk gets triggered because you are shifting your focus from the group to the self. More on that one day.

As I said earlier, my cleanse was delayed two weeks, but with the infinite organizing power of the universe, the timing was perfect; both astrologically, and personally. Personally, on Thursday was my last day at CCA. I loved the work I did at that job, but I also felt a consistent drain on my life force while being there. I love to work, and I work hard, but this was more than that. There was a constant tension and a strain that I still cannot name. I needed to be able to remove that from my system.

Astrologically, we had an eclipse last night. I didn’t know it till I watched the Power of Eclipses brought to you by HAALo (http://haalo.org/eclipse), but we have minor solar AND lunar eclipses regularly. The particular eclipse that happened last night was a lunar eclipse in the sign of Scorpio. Because it was a lunar eclipse it relates to emotions, think yin energy, and the moon was in a particular position in Scorpio near the “heart” of the constellation, which correlates the eclipse to poison, particularly poisons that you carry within you, be they physical, or emotional/mental). I learned also that Eclipses intensify what is going on–in this case my cleanse.

Part of the cleanse is to also recognize what I want to let go of. What fears, doubts, and judgments are sitting inside of me, holding me back, and holding me in patterns that sabotage all that I want and can be. These are so hard for me to name and call out. They are shadows that hide from my consciousness. They are wafts of smoke that intoxicate me when I’m not looking. They are branches tripping me as I speak. Last night during the eclipse itself and into the night my mind was FULL of chatter. Full of it. I could not get a quiet moment to happen. When thinking of what I wanted to let go, I could not identify anything specific, only the word FEAR. While it’s true, its also so elementary and generic. I knew I needed to get to something more personal and real, but I could not do it. I went to bed and let my mind rest. 

This morning I was much more clear. I woke up, went to the bathroom, came back to bed, and was able to meditate. I noticed after a while a straightening of my spine, like my head was reaching for the sky, and as I did so, a flood of tears came from me. When I would collapse, they would subside, but when I was straight and tall they would flow. It was like un-kinking a hose. I felt that I was connecting with the divine when I was straight, allowing the grace of The One to flow through me. Soon after, the PF came in to check on me. He could see that I’d been crying and came to the side of our bed. I faced him, wrapped my arms around him and was moved to many more tears. I allowed myself to be comforted by him, to feel his love, to receive.

As I go back and read my past blog posts, I realize that I’ve been leading up to this point for a long time. That today is actually the turning point for the life that I have always imagined. The turning point isn’t some event that is happening outside of me. Its me turning around and seeing that I’m already in the life that I wanted. That all that really needs to happen is a shift inside me. A laying aside of my armor, a balancing of the feminine and the masculine inside of me. A stepping into the person that I am meant to be, that I long to be–that I am already but don’t recognize.

I already have the partner that I knew would be there to support and love me, dote on me, and care for me like no other person ever has. I already have all of the tools that I need to build the things I dream of, and the universe keeps bringing me the situations that I need to learn everything necessary to move forward. I already have the courage to move into the world in uncertainty and onto my true path in service. I am blessed. And now, I’m even a little hungry.

 

 

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Motherhood

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This Mother’s Day morning I woke from a beautiful dream. A dream that I’d had a baby boy. It was a little disconcerting, since I didn’t know I was pregnant. But the baby was there (strangely in my underwear, like a hammock). I was surprised and delighted. He was beautiful and I suckled him, then realized that I still had a cord and the placenta to deal with. I finally got the placenta out–I won’t share that part–and into the fridge for later.

I tried to go to work after (they were not expecting me to have a baby and I hadn’t  arranged for time off), but the wonderful PF vetoed my thoughts on that. Good man, as always. The baby was so quiet I had to keep checking to make sure he was ok. We didn’t have a name for him yet, but I kept thinking of him as “Chris”. (I would not choose this as a name in my conscious mind).

I’m not surprised, as my recent days have been filled with such thoughts. Yes, pregnancy for myself, but also as a new career path. Maybe as a doula, maybe as a midwife, definitely as a lactation consultant. Definitely offering home-birth services, likely having a birth center with my growing closer everyday friend, Ashlee. Definitely empowering women to make their own choices for their birth experience, supporting them to trust their bodies wisdom, their own intuition, and help them overcome the fear that is imposed on them by the current state of alarmist health care in our country.

The next phase of my life will be revisiting my earliest passions as an adult: herbalism and motherhood. I want to be helping others achieve their dreams of it, and supporting families in their choices regarding it. It all starts with Aviva Romm’s course, “Herbal Medicine for Women”.

In the words of Arwyn, “Your path is already laid before you.”

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The “Insert Color Here” Tent: Tales of Women’s Gatherings

 

I’ve been busy. Somehow, I’m busier than ever, and I’m doing less for myself. I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed distilling down my thoughts, and filling in my own blanks as I take the time to contemplate.

Over the past 5 years, I’ve been following a path that I knew that I must. I moved away from my dance practice and friends, I got a corporate job (then two more after that), I divorced my partner of nearly 10 years, started a new relationship, combined families with my boyfriend, and began working for a vocational school of alternative health care, then also for an herb shop that focuses of course on alternative healing. By doing so, I’ve met and come into contact with some amazing people. In doing so, my exposure has rekindled my early love afair with herbs, natural healing, and most recently natural childbirth, and the desire to be a part of that world. The last two years in particular, I feel that I am being sucked down the rabbit hole into a different world (I took the red pill). I’m on my way–in and unexpected but not really surprising way–to embracing of my destiny.

At the beginning of this year, I finally paid attention to the feeling that I was going nowhere in my life and career (although I’m very successful and well regarded in the businesses that I’m currently working in). During that time I became very ill, and was not able to work for about a week. I had an epiphany that one of the things that I was being called to do, was to work in service to humanity in some way. Working for money and for my own gain is completely unsatisfying. Not that I don’t want to create abundance in my life, because I do. I still have personal aspirations of owning a home with land so that I can raise food and animals. But my work going forward in my life requires me to live in service, and I have dedicated myself to this. I’ll be starting this journey by studying women’s health with Aviva Romm, MD and midwife through her correspondence course this month.

As part of this journey, I’m also recognizing the need for the sacred in my life. The time and attention to focus on something holy and larger than myself. Luckily, I’m not the only one. There is a particular group of women whom I’ve met on my path to finding what is right for me, who are recognizing the same thing. Over the past several months, we’ve been gathering on or near the full moon. Our gatherings began with a specific purpose of setting personal intention in mind, but have beautifully grown to be so much more fulfilling. These gatherings are joyous and full of laughter, are a safe place to release our deepest fury and saddness, and a place to join us together in a bond that I don’t understand. These gatherings push me emotionally to be more open and vulnerable, they also require of me to be understanding, supportive, and non-judgmental. These are all things that I struggle with in my daily life.

I’ve been telling myself all this time that I’m strong, capable, intelligent, self-sufficient, and tough-enough to deal with anything on my own. I don’t need help from anyone–not from my partner, not from my family, and not from my friends (do I really even have any friends–people who will stop their own lives to help you with yours?). This is the great lie of Western Civilization, and is the reason that our planet is in such dire shape. We DO need each other. We’ve all heard the saying, “It takes a village.” I believe this to be true down the core of my soul. We NEED community and dependency to be the most whole that we can be. We need each other to share our experiences, to celebrate our triumphs, to hold our hands when we feel scared, to support us when we make mistakes, to keep us accountable for the promises we make to ourselves and others. Our society is crumbling under the weight of our singular responsibility and isolation. We are deceived to think that if we could have everything our own way we would finally be happy. We would not.

In the past year, I’ve had the eye opening experience of knowing an incredible woman who has the magic to manifest whatever is required for her business and herself. She’d not perfect, not high and mighty, not better than anyone else, but she lives in the most complete integrity that I have ever seen someone hold themselves to. She has taught me that group mind is waaaaay better than one mind, that I don’t need to be threatened when someone can do a better job than I can at something–this is the universe manifesting just what you/the project/etc. needs to go forward. I’ve learned that you don’t throw people away when they are not living up to the level of your expectations of integrity. You love them through it, not by rejecting them, but by bringing attention to the discrepancy with love and honest communication. I’ve learned that expressing gratitude for even the smallest thing, brings more amazing things into my life.

This knowledge has fostered my understanding of the necessity of the monthly gathering in my life. I need this place to be free, to have no commitments other than to each other for this time, to have no distractions, no demands, other than to be present. To share my deepest fears, to hear other’s deep needs and support them, to experience joy, to express gratitude for all that I have and am. I am supported to follow my path, no matter how crazy it might sound to others, these ladies always see the correlations to my life that I do not.

Initially, we tried to plan our gatherings to have a certain activity or theme, but we’ve found that we all intuitively bring what we need, and have created wonderful and meaningful ritual each time we gather, being guided by our higher selves. It seems to be much more meaningful each time, probably because we haven’t built up the expectations of what it was “supposed” to be.

My wish is that other women will follow what might be a strange impulse to go and be somewhere that might not fit into their current picture of themselves. That they might find another soul whom they can share with a special ritual, maybe just lighting a candle and bowing heads, or singing song, or creating something (a quilt, an herb mandala on the beach…). And might this light between them attract others, and that the group of them might put aside their fears of being intimate, and support and share with each other, without judgment, without jealousy, and be open to receiving as well as giving. My wish is for the world to be lit once again by the glowing light of women who are not warring with their bodies or each other, or shunning their feminine nature, but who are embracing themselves and each other to be healed in this light, thereby healing our families, our communities and our worlds. My wish is for you to find this. Don’t be afraid. Just listen to your heart. This is waiting for you right now.

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The Destruction of Helms Deep

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Cocoon

I’m outside on a blanket in the beautiful pre-spring weather we are having. It must be 70 degrees. On my way to the beautiful spot I found, most of the chickens followed me in a raucous parade. They hung around quite a while digging for bugs and having dirt baths, clucking softly and sweetly. About as soon as I began to type, they left me. Maybe it is the wind that is starting to kick up. Maybe it is because I’ve turned my attention away from nature and into this device. I usually feel repelled when someone begins to dive into their computer—usually thinking to myself: I’m right here, talk to ME, see ME.

I originally came out to finish crocheting a flower to go on the headwrap that I’d intended for Falyn about a month too late for it to be useful. Of course, I also needed my computer, or rather Youtube, to show me the crochet stitches I do not yet know. And as one might guess, I’m just out of the range of the wi-fi on the grassy hill I chose as my spot. Le sigh.

It got me thinking about what I CAN do without web access and no book of crochet stitches. I can write I thought, just in a basic word program. Like the old days. Write, and not have to immediately post it to Facebook or WordPress or whatever. I keep telling myself I should write at least once per week, and I keep not doing it. I obviously need to get out of the house to not be distracted by its trappings. I’ve also been sick, busy, and fearful of writing my true thoughts and feelings.

Over the last month, since my “flu that would not end” began actually, I’ve been going through some kind of change, a metamorphosis of sorts. I’ve been feeling the change coming for a couple of years. But nothing actually happened. I realize now that I could liken the last couple of years as the building the cocoon phase. But now, introspection triggered by my illness and forced solitude I can feel my insides melting down. I can feel my own personal Helms Deep starting to crumble. And as the stones begin to tumble down, I find myself trying to catch them, and put them back, or even just to let them fall softly. I’ve spent many years carrying everything, that I’m finally exhausted. I can’t do everything and be everything for everyone. I have to decide who I am going to be for me, and begin to make the conscious choices that will let me lead a life of purpose and service.

What will that take? One of two things: I will be alone, and have no one to answer to but my spirit’s calling, or I will be in a relationship where I trust my partner. That first one is not appealing, but the second option is so so so difficult.

I’ve been a single mom, I’ve been in relationships where I was betrayed—too often—and in relationships where I carried everything. It’s no wonder I can’t trust. And then of course I focus on why I can’t trust, and guess what? What I focus on comes true. I need a new way of thinking and being. I need to be able to let go. I need to focus on ways that I can trust my beloved PF, and I need to communicate my hurts and needs in a new way. I keep telling the universe that I’m ready. Then I dig my heels in. I think I’ll take off these boots and let my toes sink into the soil. Root myself in the earth, and not in old ways of being and belief. I’ve always avoided putting roots down, so that I could be free to leave, move on when things didn’t work., I’ve been a gypsy, and I’ve loved many parts of my life. Now I want another kind of life. One that is connected and supported. One that doesn’t require everything from me. I’m scared, but I’m ready.

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